well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
