when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
