im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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