I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
