recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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