oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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