Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
