i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I would ride that face into the sunset
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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