I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
