Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
