Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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