So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize