A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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