Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
