is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
