im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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