who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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