he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
