if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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