remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize