okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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