i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
