I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
