I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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