Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
