Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Drunk is a universal language darling
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
