I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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