Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
