i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
