I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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