fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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