i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
