Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
