i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
