Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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