STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
