very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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