I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
