Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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