I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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