I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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