If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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