my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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