If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
