Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
