I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
