I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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