Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
