So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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