did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
