Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
