The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
