good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Randomize
