3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize