dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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