Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
