Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
