I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
