Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize