i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
