i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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