My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
