you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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