I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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