Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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