There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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